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Natalie is a wife.
Natalie is a mother.
Natalie is a cutter.
Clawing at walls built by resentment, regret, and guilt, Natalie cuts as an escape from a life she never planned.
Staying present is only possible when you let go of the past.
But, what if the past won't let go?
I nod. “I just need a shower and a drink.” I chuckle more for myself than him. “We’re still on for tonight, right?”“Right. Are you sure you’re all right? I was just heading out to help finish moving the offices, but I’ll stay—”
“No, go. It’s good.”
The last thing I need is Eric in my face while I try to process what the hell just went haywire with my subconscious.
Eric lets out a sigh that’s clearly one of relief more than resignation before he kisses me on the cheek. I flinch a little—but maybe it was internal because he doesn’t seem to notice—and he’s out the door.
With a sigh of my own, I land face down on my pillow and moan sobs that stretch from my dream—sobs that feel like they’re from the beginning of time—until I find myself dry-heaving in the bathroom with a razor in my hand.
I choose a new spot this time. One I’ve never used before. The inner arm, a few inches from my armpit. Goosebumps of anticipation spring throughout my scalp as I close my eyes and bring the blade to my skin. The moment of contact floods me with relief from the hell that was that nightmare.
See the book trailer by Janna Mashburn
I am a big fan of Andrea Randall, but I have to say that I had reservations about this book because I was not sure I would be able to deal with the subject matter. And at first, I was having a hard time liking Natalie and her attitude about life. But as I got more immersed in her story including the flashbacks from her past that were intermixed with issues in her present, I found myself understanding more of what she was dealing with. She is depressed and miserable with her life and where it has ended up. She feels completely overwhelmed with little support. And she exhibits poor coping skills. She has significant issues from her past that she has not really faced that have left her with guilt and regret.
Do I even f***king exist?
Her marriage to Eric is in trouble. He is not really a bad guy. On the surface he said the right things often enough, but he was not at home much. And he was egocentric and in denial of Natalie's needs and feelings. He definitely made mistakes. At times he would seem to clue in and try to make amends, but it was too little too late.
In the flashbacks, we meet Natalie's first love, Ryker. I loved him from the start. But her world is shaken up when he is sent to Afghanistan and comes back changed. As she spends more time thinking about her past with Ryker, it seems that her ability to cope in her present life gets even worse. And even when you think the woman cannot take anymore, she continues to have to face more challenges.
Change never comes slowly, brewing on the horizon. It's always in a second.
They both had issues from their past to bring to the surface and finally deal with. I had a real soft spot for Ryker. He also went through so much and had a hard time dealing with it. He became someone else and had a long road to get back to himself too.
The bookends of every extreme emotion I've ever experienced sit right in those gorgeous, endless blue eyes. He wasn't just my "college boyfriend". He was the absolute love of my life.
It was a journey of sharing, facing the past, purging the guilt, and trying to forgive themselves. It was not an easy process or a fast one. I liked that it was not a simple quick fix and required work, time, space and dedication for the healing process. I loved seeing the personal growth of both Nat and Ryker.
"If the last ten years has taught us anything, hasn't it taught us that when you love someone, you love them head-to-toe and inside and out because...well because you can't help it? "
The book started out desperate and depressing, but ended uplifting and with a positive message. I really became invested in the characters and appreciated their strength and determination. It was a unique and amazing read from Andrea Randall.
Thanks to Andrea Randall for providing me with and ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Andrea Randall is a 2005 graduate of Cornell University and currently lives in Western Massachusetts with her family.
I started writing poetry long before writing fiction. I firmly believe Poetry is a solid foundation for all other forms of writing. It taught me that a single word can make or break the world. I write fiction because my characters have a story and they want me to tell it.
I started writing poetry long before writing fiction. I firmly believe Poetry is a solid foundation for all other forms of writing. It taught me that a single word can make or break the world. I write fiction because my characters have a story and they want me to tell it.
1 comments
That is some really heavy subject matter, something that I'd usually not pick up. However, your review makes me want to read it to watch this personal growth beyond depression. Thank you! :)
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