I used to have a great life. My little world was bright. I had no complaints. My perfectly simple life made the fall from grace that much more devastating. I plummeted from the heavenly little bubble that I shared with Jake. I fell fast and hard straight into the fiery pits of hell. The knowledge of how things used to be is a bittersweet torture that refuses me even one moment of respite. I live in a painful reverie that I can’t escape. 

I had it good once.

That’s gone now. 

All of it disappeared like vapor into the ether. I’m a lost woman, wandering through grief and struggling to come to terms with my new title: widow. My family says I need understanding and closure. I say a cigarette and a bottle of wine is a much better option for instant gratification.

I’m the awkward, depressed one standing in the corner making everyone around me miserably uncomfortable. I’m the one with vacant eyes that society strives to help but can’t. I’m the one who hands out tight smiles and derisive snorts. I’m the widow adrift in this world with no direction. No meaning. No hope. No vital sign.

***

Sadie sets out on a journey to healing without knowing that things will get far worse before they get better. Despite her general indifference to organ donation, she finds herself on a journey to seek out the only people who benefited from her husband’s tragic death.

Resentment runs rampant as she meets the thriving organ recipients. Anger and jealousy spiral, sending the delicate structure of Sadie’s emotions into a tailspin.

Alexander McBride got a second chance—one that he didn’t necessarily want. Alexander is a game changer for Sadie. She hates him for his health but can’t help feeling at home in his presence. He soothes her grief in a way that is intoxicating, addictive even.

The heart that once fell in love with her now resides in Alexander McBride’s chest. It’s a circumstance that forces her to wage an internal war fueled by grief, anger, guilt, love, lust, and loyalty.

Sadie must discover the things that are vital to going on with her life if she has any hope of finding her way through the all-consuming grief that dominates every waking moment.

Being a police officer came with its job hazards. Some were far worse than others. Some were the types that left my sweet husband restless and locked within the confines of his mind with the awful things that his line of work sometimes forced his eyes to see. I couldn’t help him un-see all the dreadfulness, but I did what I could. 

I stood guard like only a woman knows how. I wasn’t brooding or territorial. I wasn’t pushy or incessant. No. I was tender and attentive. I watched and I waited. I held Jake to me when life leeched the spark from his eyes. I kissed his forehead when he needed a gentle touch to remind him that the world may have more bad than good, but I was his good. I’d always be his good. And when times came where no words nor actions were needed, I stood vigilant, my silent presence beside him a testament to what I vowed on our wedding day. It seemed to be all he needed. It seemed to soothe whatever worried him. It was all he wanted and keeping his head and heart safe was all I wanted. I kept that heart safe before, Zander’s heart, when it was Jake’s, and my reflexes haven’t changed. If anything, they’ve intensified.

My world revolved around that heart. He carries it now, but I’ve carried that heart too. I was once responsible for seeing that it was kept safe. Just in a different way.

Two years after the murder of her husband, Sadie Parker is still deeply grieving his loss. He was her best friend, her first love, her whole world. Trying to help her grieve, her family encourages Sadie to contact the recipients of Jake’s organs. She is has withdrawn from everyone around her, and agrees only to appease her family. When she meets the man who received her husband’s heart, the shell she’s built around herself begins to crack as her curiosity about the man grows.

Zander has withdrawn in his own way. Having changed his entire lifestyle after his heart transplant, he lives separate from his family, isolated in his beach house. But in each other, they find something that makes sense. 

Zander intrigued me from the moment he entered the story. He seems to be feeling a guilt/remorse about receiving the second chance at life but the reason behind that emotion is not clear. His actions towards Sadie, while hiding certain aspects of the transplant and his past, all point towards a man unsure of how to help Sadie heal while not letting her go. 

The emotional bond between Zander and Sadie forms really quickly. From their initial meeting, both are fighting unfamiliar feelings. For Zander it is the desire to protect Sadie. For Sadie, it is the draw she feels towards Zander despite holding on to Jake. From those first feelings more develop, forcing both to confront things they’d rather leave untouched.

“Whatever this is between us, it’s inescapable. You can deny me if you insist, but that’s one truth that neither one of us can deny.”

While the point of view shifts between Sadie and Zander, this is heavily weighted towards Sadie’s journey. The focus remains fully on their relationship and Sadie’s grief throughout. There are scenes with their families, to juxtapose just how different their experiences have been, but the family characters remain outside the meat of the story. The one side character that I loved to pieces was Dawn, the hotel owner Sadie meets when she goes to Tybee. Their conversation over breakfast was a much needed influence and the ripples from that one conversation come back time and again through the rest of the book. 

This was an emotional read with hope and healing along the way. While it seemed to be a case of insta-love, the journey was far from over when the characters met and what looked like a quick tumble into love turned into a struggle through grief, guilt, and letting go. 

J.L. Mac Facebook † Twitter † Blog † Goodreads