I hated this book. I loved this book. I cursed the author. I cursed one of the main characters and sympathized so much for the other then sympathized with the one I was mad at because he was in pain. My heart hurt for them. This story just grabs you and puts your heart in suspended animation waiting for something to bring joy again. But then it layers in the sweetness and first love to tide you over. It is profound, heartbreaking, raw, difficult, and frustrating, but also inspiring, hopeful, and beautiful. It peels back the layers of their story in the past and present and also the depth of the characters down to their deepest insecurities, fears, and pain. 

I wanted to shake one of them so hard and hug the other and then changed my mind about who through the course of the story. I just wanted it all to be okay at least relatively speaking. But this is no happy fairytale. This is real life, tough loss, grief, anger, miscommunication, hidden pain, self-protection, and self-sabotage. This is being hit with loss and how people deal with it differently. How one thinks he needs to let go while one thinks he needs to hold on. It is a fight for their lives and everything they had, even if they are not sure what is possible for the future. There are plenty of changing dynamics and feelings. There are opportunities for growth, redemption, forgiveness, and healing. 

Jesse has always been the protector, caretaker, fixer,  and planner. He is dependable and knew what he wanted from the moment they met and was persistent enough to make it happen.  Leo has always been more guarded, playful, indecisive, insecure, and fueled by feelings. And as things spiral, his descent seems the sharpest. And no one can seem to fix it and they all cope in ways that cause a rift in their found family.

It brings back Deacon and Julian from Without You and I was so happy to see them thriving. I loved Zara and Raine too. And there is a little tease for them that surprised me. 

This is a tumultuous, gut-wrenching journey at times, but it is also a hope-inducing story about clawing your way back from the edge and fighting for what is important and hoping it is not too late. It is an epic hurt-comfort story with mental health representation. By the end, I felt like I had lived with these guys through the hardest of times and the best of times. The author broke my heart, but put it back together.